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Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
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7:39 am
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does anyone on this thing openly take mood altering prescribed drugs for certain personality flaws, because im wondering what do you call it when you are perpetually angry and believe the world is out to lie to you and get you, and you believe you are the ONLY one who doesn't suck, i mean thats fucking retarted, i know i am not the only one who doesn't suck, but i can't help but feel that way, that my actions are the only just ones, and i NEVER lie which i really dont most of the time occasionally to my parents or some douche bag dude that wants to bone me. im thinking these thoughts are escalated by taking birth control but it has been really bad for about more than a year, since i started taking those birth control. i am under a lot of stress, and find no relief in anything around me...i barely listen to music anymore, which is ALL that i used to do, even if i draw, i'll be calm for the time being, but i'll continue along my vein popping psychosis for the remainder of the night...there is something wrong with me, i think i've gone off the deep end, when you slam doors and throw shit because you spilt coffee and missed your train, it's not coool...it's fucking stupid, and if old manda saw herself, she would say "wow what a strung out douche bag"...new manda says "i can act this way because i am obviously a fucking child piece of crap..." who knows...fuck therapy though, and fuck all that shit, i just need to know what other people think...just asking if anyone knows anything...im sure one of you have been to therapy.
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7:25 am - james brown cuts himself
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YEAH so last night i had a dream that i was stuck in this house/shack with james brown??? and he had bandages on his wrists, i decided to help him out because he was complaining about how uncomfortable he was....so i unwrapped them, and there were huge peices of glass stuck in his wrists, i started removing them, and actually saying to myself in the dream, "i gotta wash these off so i can fucking sell these shits on ebay!"...another weird thing was that they had smelt really bad, first time i can recall knowing how to smell in my dreams....or creating a smell...it smelt like the crust in people's stretched ears...i dont know what the FUCK that dream means, but jenny told me that james brown was kept inside his parents house for like three weeks because they couldn't decide where to bury him. i think i had that dream cuz i saw this sticker on goldieboxx's helmet that was james brown...and i looked at it and thought it was cool, and i need money, so in my mind, i made that up.. i have a lot of celebrity ridden dreams, is that strange? i would say yes. i dont know...all i know is my dreams are REAL fucked up. and when i take naps in the middle of the day i ALWAYS have sex dreams. frued didn't know shit cuz he was all coked up, so we still dont know what dreams mean, we just know we see shit in the day, and our brain runs down the list of memories, and dreams are the result of that.
current mood: crappy as always
current music: desmond dekker
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
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1:33 am - Two Hour Ram Rod: a short story of A shitty days
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so i wrote this tonight, about my day, because i didn't have anyone to call and bother with the occurances of my day...so. uhh...
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday I have to wake up at 6 o’clock. However, this Tuesday December the fifth, was my day off, I didn’t have to arrive at school until 3:00 p.m. I had figured my father would give me a ride to the train station later, considering I am not in current ownership of an automobile, the air nearing 38 degrees outside, and the fifty pounds of textbooks I would carry on my back. The ethical portion of my subconcious reminded me 38 degrees isn't terrible, not that I couldn’t prepare for it with another ten pounds added to my exterior, and that the distance I had to walk wasn’t analogous to the trail of tears. But, I thought I could get a break, just you know tossin it out there, lettin’ my father take it for a whirl. He took that shit for a whirl that turned out to be a five hundred mile per hour tornado fit of curse words and, “I’ve got meetings, I have work to do..” packaged nicely with a high volume, and undertones of extreme hatred for life my father harbors nightly and dispels at seven o’ clock a.m. three of the seven days a week. So I decided, hearing a vein explode within a body from twelve feet away with two doors tightly closed wasn’t worth the comfort I would gain from a five minute ride in a warm car to my destination at the time desired, and an extra two hours of sleep.
So, I told my mom who has now entered my room for the seventh time, to tell me minute length tid-bits of useless information, and questions questions I could not answer correctly because I had only slept two hours due to the hormonal overdose my heart had taken at nine-o’clock p.m. the previous night from two small pills of estrogen digested daily for an exploded cyst last october, just to clarify it's not so I can’ bareback it with so and so.
Before I received my post interrupted ten remaining minutes of rest, I was savagely robbed of them by what usually is shown in an Ethan Allen commercial as comforting and warm to wake up to, an eighty pound golden retriever jumping on to your patterned down comforter that is usually followed by your teethy smile as you press your head against your strong jawed husband, or significant other, to be more correct for the present days. I didn’t throw my head back in complete joy and laughter, instead I felt a red beast digging his titanium thick nails into my abdomen as if he was going to perform a gastric bypass surgery and the wetness of his nose to be harbored within my pores for the next twelve hours. So it was either walk in the cold, or agree to my mother’s persistent offers for a pity transport eight hours earlier (she has always been protecting me from my father’s irrational retorts). I decided to pry myself from the unsatisfying slumber, and ready myself within the next ten minutes.
I headed straight for the underwear drawer, grabbed the rest of my attire and turned toward the door knob and slipped on a gelatinous mass. What would have been a fall was caught by the presence of the undigested dry cat food that speckled the vomit gripping my silk pink socks to the floor. In a hurry I grabbed a plastic bag, gathered what was once to be absorbed into the intestinal tract of my sister’s cat Bella, and disposed of it properly within a walmart plastic bag. There was no time for true clean-up so my carpet soaked for twelve hours with another smell that makes it good to come home from a hard days work and breathe heavily the environment you should consider to be comforting, into your lungs.
Comparing this image now wired within the circuitry of my brain, to a febreeze commercial where the curtains are white, and a mother picks up after her children, and new toys are strewn across the floor, she sprays her tidy home and breathes in satisfyingly and sits upon her light blue couch void of stains and now smells.
Thankful my morning didn’t end in a broken ankle, or better yet a pungent shit smell penetrating my heel, I threw my books into my bag and hurried out the door. I grabbed a coffee at WAWA. My mom let me off at the Florence station. I put my money in the machine nearly ten times before it had finally decided that what it was reading was actually money, and to think they believe we are on the verge of an artificially intelligent era.
I sat down on the wooden bench, safend my wool hat closer to my head with the grips of my hands, then reached into my fresh pack of cigarettes, slid one out from the tight confines of it’s duplicates, and lit it. I puffed once, twice, then the third time I focused my eyes (it is seven o clock in the morning here). There directly in front of where I placed my person upon the bench was a baby diaper, soiled with well, shit. I stared at it, seven o clock in the morning, wondering, where is the fucker that changed their child in this cold weather, this was a fresh diaper, you could almost see the steam rising from it, and somehow, the center of the track seemed a logical place for hazardous waste at the time?
I wanted answers! I wanted to find that fucking asshole and make them sit there and stare at that diaper for at least twenty minutes in 38 degree weather and, actually think about what they are staring at. It isn’t a bay off the coast of Maine with a wooden dock, it isn’t moss covered rocks that lead out to the cabin in the woods, and it sure as hell isn’t an overlook of a city from a penthouse sweet with the sounds of a warm breakfast knocking upon your door. No, instead baby shit, and the sounds of two ready-pack employees off to the left cursing after every word. I wake up with a shit fucker, and I start my day with shit fucker.
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| Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
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8:48 pm - YO ASSHOLES
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HEY, I haven't written in here, mainly because it would be a bunch of bitching and whinning that I would not want to look back on. THANK GOD I kept all that shit to a close select few of my friends. but now I'm going to write about it anyway, just to see what everyone opinion was on my earlier state (i.e. over the summer).
I'll start with the TOTALLY AWESOME parts that happened to me. I got a B in chemical principals for the first part of the summer course, it sucked, it was from May 31st to like June 28th. I believe these to be the correct dates, whatever it was long and sucky, it was four days a week FOUR HOURS A DAY. plus I worked at the liquor barn, thrusday friday and saturday...AWESOME. Liquor Barn was good to me. I made some money...SOME money, none of which accumulated, it was a good SIXTY bucks a week, if I didn't train anywhere, or spend money on cigarettes or alcohol, I would of saved some cash, but that amount is not worth saving.
I made the travel team for roller derby. that's cool. we are going to vegas november 16th. AWESOME. we just played the new york team, they are tough as hell, and awesome to play, i'm glad we sort of hanged in there with them. The audience was large in amount, and was vocal even though they were in a forty point lead, and it was pretty much decided who was going to win, they still kept up the cheering...which i was happy about.
I saw the gorilla buscuits, it was fucking AMAZING. and i saw the Melvins last tuesday, again AMAZING as hell...two drummers, and a gong, which i didn't get to see hit, they must of done it in the beginning. They abruptly ended, they turned on the lights, and didn't do a gay ass encore...which makes them super fuckin cool.
Now for the bad part of my summer, Anthony broke up with me in June, my car broke down in July, and well, my work fired me in August, or "laid off". whatever. I felt like a loser in all instances, one i didn't have money to fix my car (see above), i couldn't go anywhere to meet fly dudes because i had no car, and fly dudes didn't exist to me because i was too busy still being in love. when did i start using the word fly as a descriptive term for males, i dont know... anyway... he kept telling me he wanted me back, i think it was because i didn't leave him alone...but he would call me too when i didn't call him...we went back out twice then he broke up with me again and again....apparently when i was busy trying to understand the nature of wasting an entire year with a person, and nuturing a relation with them, to have strong trust and commitment, he was out fucking some dumb twat that waited on us at the one nice resteraunt he took me to when we went out. awesome. he also made out with some indian at work, stayed at her house and was drunk every day we were broken up. COOL. then when he decided he really wanted me back, and asked me back out, i said he would have to wait, then one sunday when i was away at baltimore at a game subing for the baltimore girls, i called him he said he missed me, then that night he took home some junky stripper and made out with her, said that he didn't do anything more than ten minutes of making out and went to sleep and she slept on the couch, i believe him because she left a nice comment on his dumb ass myspace "tonight is the night, i have never had to beg for it, i'm going to rape you if i have to..." blahddy blah blah blah. i felt like shit....as you can imagine...i trusted him, he apologized. then a couple weeks later i found out about the dumb twat waitress above....from his friend. COOL. we worked it out...he is really trying and he says that he loves me, and he was confused, because he never wanted a life where he wanted to stay with one person. my question to him is "why did you ask me out then" if you dont want commitment, and you dont want a realtionship that could possibly grow into a strong commitment, and complete love, then why would you want a girlfriend, why would you tell them that you loved them??? well...i dont know...i guess another notch in the belt? i think he was just confused and doesn't want that for himself, and he wants to tell himself he doesn't want that, while going about all the wrong actions to ensue security in never having commitment, i.e. asking someone out and telling them you love them....now he talks of moving in together, and me being the only girl he loved, i assumed that i was the only girl he liked when he asked me to be his GIRLFRIEND. but that was wrong... i'm scared i'm in for it, so i keep asking questions about when we were "broken up" or "fucking and not fucking fucking and not fucking". i was real fucked up for three months straight, more so than i ever have been before. apparently he didn't want to have someone that he "fights" with, or someone that he had to "answer" to. we barely fought, and i didn't ask him to answer to me about anything...but i'm hoping he was just confused, but now i am. i am confused about a lot of things...i know if i stay with him, he'll want to stay in hamilton trenton area for the rest of his life because thats where all his friends and admirers are. i'm about going to live somewhere where i can grown and live life. i dont know what i want to do. im very confused. i love him, and i will try and work it out, because i know from experience with family and friends that in order to love someone you must be understanding, even when they hurt and abonden you beyond belief. and it's going good now, better than it ever has...and i believe him when he says he loves me. i just wish i was busy riding other dudes dicks instead of staying inside reading and drawing like a fuckin dork loser peice of shit. i should act like a 21 year old party girl going out finding some dumb asshole to insert his penis into my vag, like almost every other person i know...but i can't...it sucks, i can find a hundred better things to do than have sex with someone i dont know and dont love...its not fun to have sex with someone you dont love...not to me anyway...i wish i felt that way life would be easier. instead i find it relieving that someone who isn't my family could love me unconditionally, like a friendship but more....because someone you have sex with is a possible creation of a family, whether us humans would like to think so, with the advent of the condom and everything...sex is mainly for approcriation...pleasure is just so we'll do it..., i take it very seriously that this penis better be owned by someone who is completely facinating and enthralling and caring and loving enough that the possibility of there being half of me and him in another being better be a good one that is supported by the security of a family....i dont want a family and i dont want kids, but the point is that is why i have feelings about sex and other people. that and i've had an std, so fucking around with people isn't cool, its disgusting, and especially because its an std you can recieve WITH a condom and 80 percent of females have it, if anything i believe that to be a wake up call to women and their choice in men, however...women continue to say yes, right off the bat, and i believe that to be poor character and i dont care what you free spirited fucks have to say about it. so i spent my summer acting like a thrity year old with intrests and solid feelings and emotions...thats DUMB. i wish i never met him sometimes...then i wouldn't be in this perdicament. but realtionships ones in which are romantic are dumb, and i wish i still didn't care...i never used to...i used to be able to be o.k. with it....break up with dudes, and be o.k. with it. i guess i found something i actually wanted more of...eh i dunno, this was the crappiest written entry ever. i can't write right now....i suck, i can't put my feelings into words. well...im gonna go study physics....AHHH.
current mood: half an aderol
current music: weston
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| Monday, April 10th, 2006
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10:08 pm - MAIL ORDER IS FUN!
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IT IS! I'm bringing it back into my practice of obtaining music for collection. It's AWESOME it's like a present that you give to yourself. I'm putting TEN dollars every couple weeks in my bank account for funding of my reignited flame of passion for the yellow, bubble wrapped package of excitement. This of course is instead of giving my money towards the non-menthalated goodness of nicotene which is raising in price, and the degenerative race of camdinites who roam the street looking for fair faced maidens as myself to pray upon for dollars. FUCK THEM, today was the last day I WILL ever be nice to a fuckin homeless fucker. I DO-NOT care you peice of shit.... this of course is an intro to the experience i want to share with my livejournal community of friends... I was waiting outside of the building that houses my upstairs classroom that teaches Western Civilization, drinkin some coffee, that was a DOLLAR, and talking to my mother on my defunct cell phone that my dad had given to me from his mound of USED cell phones from his drivers....some latino (to appease all you pc mother effers) was in possesion of it beforehand so it had Laquanda and Rosia in the phone book, and i love lucy as the ring tone. i wondered if i should call one of the two and tell Rosia that Laquanda was in the phone book, or the other way around, but i decided to just delete them, and put the B52's as my ringtone, who knew spics like the B52's!!! just kiddin gusy...but anyway prior to being completely sidetracked by explaining the state of dispair my phone has rendered me to, i was talking about me holding my cell phone talkin to my mom, and holding a coffee, typical college stance, although i wasn't wearing the college shirt and i dont have highlights or big sunglasses to hide my ugly ass face, not that they aren't cool but man college sluts LOOOVE lookin like they jumped out of the pages of fuckin VOGE or i dont even know how to spell that shit, on with the fuckin story! so some dude, who was kinda cute was walkin down the road (you will realize why i had such an attraction to the man when i explain myself further) i was like eh, he's cute, you know one of those things you think, then he approaches the trashcan, i was thinking OF COURSE....HES FUCKIN HOMELESS OR ON DRUGS, (i know how to pick em!) yeah so then he sees me, after he illusively looks in the trash trying the whole pathetic bit, he looks at me and says "can you help me out". i responded with, which i usually always throw them a dollar, cuz thats half the way there of a forty, until the new law comes into effect, then he's gotta work a little harder, but this time i only had THREE dollars, because the night before i had to give lauren mari TEN dollars of the TWENTY my parents give me every four days (mexican wages if you ask me, i clean te whole mother effin house for this shit and make them food sometimes, dicks) but i needed ONE dollar and twenty five cents to get onto the train, i had spend the other dollar on one dollar twenty five cents coffee so i could stay awake in class....well to make an initially short story a bit short of being extremely too long, he replied with "I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then he said "im FUCKING DYING" couldn't be the fuckin CRACK you were smokin, or nothin, NOOO couldn't be, or whatever the fuck you are doing, but you look pretty clean to me, and he wasn't like SKINNY as shit, and his eye wasn't falling out of his head, and plus he didn't tell a joke, but no really...WTF? WTF? what a fucking ASSHOLE! i just started laughing, but i really thought about it and i should of said FUCK YOU dicksmackin SHIT TURD. what a fuckin peice of shit. now becuase of him i wage war on EVERY HOMELESS PERSON ALIVE, i dont care! i dont care if they are missing an eye. I DONT FUCKING GIVE A SHIT. thats it, im damning an entire forgotten downtrodden peoples to a life of RETORIC from me because of one man, yes, i am. and im going to start with any mother fuckin fucker that asks me for a fucking dollar, FUCK YOU, no, i dont care what you need it for, there is food in the trash, i've eaten trash, it's not that fuckin bad, suck it up pussy. and i know many of my friends WILLINGLY eat trash. im going to go listen to MOD at ONE THIRTY IN THE MORNING so i can refresh my hatred and then go to school with a new found drive for life, THE COMPLETE ANNIHILATION OF THE HOMELESS, NOT THROUGH CARE BUT THROUGH HATE!!!!!!!!!!! yes. fuck them. (guys im really just kidding, kind of)
current mood: HUNGRY TIRED
current music: Cluth - clutch
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| Thursday, March 9th, 2006
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6:50 pm
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yeah life has pretty much sucked lately, AGAIN. car has broken down atleast five/six times since last entree. i wish my parents wouldn't spend two thousand dollars on another shit dog, and i dunno buy me a mode of transportation, OR LEND IT TO ME. eh whatever. they are dumb as hell. and they really dont give a shit, i just wish i could find a job within walking distance that didn't start off at five fifty...whatever. i guess i just don't ask enough, i don't want to impose and be a leech, but shit, i gotta go to school...so that means i gotta walk like forty minutes to and fro from the train station, plus the fifty minute train ride to and from school..sucks, i already don't have enough time for anything, plus i have to make practice. i tried to stop going to such shit shows, and stop gettin drunk so much, because im just wastin the little money i have on one shitty night. i just want a good party night to happen reaaal bad, with all my friends?? yeaaah whatever. i had to watch these two dogs in the city, that was pretty cool, except for the part about being broke (as explained five hundred times in this entree).
i've felt reaaaaallly fuckin tired these past couple of days, sucks. uhmm...what else sucks...anthony's dad had to get his leg amputated, but he made it through the surgery and he's good and alive, thats what counts. my teacher died on wednesday of last week. that sucked, he was a suck ass teacher though. so this past month was suck-suck and more suck. except for that ninety i got on my western civ II test, but that balanced out with that D i got on my vertebre embryo lab practicum. i got an eighty on the fuckin identifications through the microscope, but because there is atleast THREE or FOUR terms for each thing, the fill ins i totally licked balls on. whatever. suuucks. i quit smokin for five days and started right back up, that was cool though i didn't think i even had the will power for five days atleast i know i can do it, just not continue. hmmmmnnn...uhmnn...
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| Monday, January 23rd, 2006
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2:33 am - just a thought.
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outside of dannon yougurt container Activa (en espanol Bifidus Regularis) a picture of a slender womans stomache in top left corner. In text surrounding picture it states "HELPS NATURALLY REGULATE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM". in other words "an o.k. laxitive". thats what they are saying, hey throwin up and takin harsh laxitives, thats juuust crazy, but here, here is your safe alternative to reaching that goal, and if you dont remember what your goal was, well remind you with a lovely picture of a dancers upper portion, every fuckin time you want lunch. luckily i see right through their scheme and only eat them when i feel all backed up. thanks activa, they should show someone giving the thumbs up on a toilet...but no, someone on a toilet obviously gives people some sort of vomit inducing imagery, which is what really they are trying to get with the picture in the corner anyway, so what really should be on the corner?? i should be an ad executive, or not. or i should stop getting high, and worrying about what the fuck ads say for twenty minutes and clean my fuckin room. or is that what THEY want us to do (our moms our dads, our governments THEY WANT US TO BE CLEAN, and i say HELL NO. nah im gonna finish this berry yougurt and wake up to a good mornin turd feelin, and start my day off with an awaiting digestive tract. awaiting that college lunch goodness, or cold soup delites because the damn microwave in the hallway is broken. i have wednesday and friday off. CALL ME UP HOMIES, unless im studyin, which i dont after seven, so DO IT call. goodnight.
current mood: TIRED
current music: nothin
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| Friday, December 16th, 2005
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1:27 pm - do you love me though, if i dont believe in christ...??????????????????????????????
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http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=35941742
this is Drake. Drake, loooves jesus, he messaged me on myspace with this:
Hey, What is that a picture of on your profile?
Which i knew what he was getting at so i wrote this...because he obviously trying to get me to love jesus, look at his profile:
thats me in a bar partially destroying my body with fermentated hops and rolled up and processed tabacoo leaves. or in lamen's terms me and my friends at a bar on my twenty first birthday enjoying the blood of christ to the full extreme, because i am officially allowed to. i like your name, sounds cool. my name is amanda, and i am a soldier of satan. no use trying to talk me out of it, i've been one since the day i was born, marked and picked by the almighty himself. sorry, i know that you believe that though jesus, you will save people. however, i do not need to humor, serve, nor gain reward from a GOD, whose existence is within myself. we are god my son, and it is a beautiful world, there is no good nor bad, just positive and negative, now if we believe in the positive, love will emerge, and we will all sing happy songs, but until then i will use my muse of the hilarity which telling people i am a soldier of satan because it's pretty funny. i am a very good friend, and a very good sister and daughter and girlfriend. listen dude, we are on the same page here, we just want people to be happy, but what im telling you is we should start a whole organization, get people to believe in themselves and each other, without religion, therefore we are following the footsteps of jesus, becuase you know what i bet you he didn't give a damn if that blind person was a jew, a fuckin peagan, whatever, he just wanted to spread love and hope. thats what i am about, and what i always will be about. so don't try to sell me some jesus bullshit, i understand maybe thats how your family and life has been rewarded through following some story, which it is a wonderful book, dont get me wrong, some real cliffhangers there, but PLEASE this is why the world cannot be saved through missonary work and or anything else, because it's completely closed minded, and rediculous to believe that just through becoming a christian you can become a better person, no. it's through what you DO, not because you attend church. but i guess really without you people existing, my joke wouldn't be funny, so keep believing, and then die and rot into the ground, not even realizing before you die the beauty of the rot, so HAIL SATAN MY MAN! HAIL THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF HUMANITY AND THE CREATOR OF ORGANIZED RELIGION TO KEEP THE POSITIVE CONTAINED WITHIN THE BRICK WALLS AND UNDER THE MEANS OF A RETARTED BOOK!
LOVE amanda.
then he replied with this:
Manda, How are you not going to beleive in God, but you beleive in the "Author of Confusion" which is Satan?
Thats great that you know Satan is real. But I don't think you know that Satan is a Liar. God's word tells me Satan comes to kill, still, and destroy. Hes like a roaring lion, roaming the earth seeking whom he may devour. Listen, do you honestly think Satan loves you?.....Cause I know for a FACT Satan hates me. He wants to throw all of lifes glits and glamour at me to make me feel loved. He wants to feel my voids with empty, vain thrills that leave me hanging dry at the end. I learned loooooong ago that only JESUS CHRIST can fill all of my voids, all of my longings, and all of my needs...... he even mended my broken heart. He gave his life for us and I won't be quiet about that! He has pulled the wool from over my eyes and reveiled the hatred that satan craftfully hides from people denying God's gift of eternal life. Don't get tricked, Satan is not a MAN. He is a fallen angel thats been walking the face of the earth for thousands of years, learning the very nature of man. He knows the way humans walk, talk, think, and the things that pleases our five senses. So don't try to figure Lucifer out! Only through God is he defeated!
Manda God loves you. He wants to be your everything. Accept him in your heart today.
now whose is more logical and why he couldn't just accept my way of thinking right off the bat is acceptable, but atleast make sense, WOOL? what the fuck you had a blanket around your face? a wool blanket?? not even a good metaphor, he probably picked that up from his retarted preist, or minister whatever in the fuck they have in churchs now. i just said i want to spread love and hope and im attempt to be a good person (what i believe to be a good person) and just because i dont believe in jesus, automatically im ignorant to some lion beast that roams the world. people want to be good, but only when they are rewarded by someone higher up, it's like a fucking job, a blow job if you ask me. asking the boss man and only being nicer to your employees because you get rewarded by someone higher. thats what you get for having a demented peice of shit king write the bible. whatever, people are never going to know or learn, but hey, it's my job thats what GOD sent me here to do, tell them what fucked up peices of retarted shit they are, so they can possibly make everything happier and more joyous instead of pleasing and inward. the selfish bullshit people do realy ticks me off, and to think they believe they are somehow nicer, better, more close to god just because they are under some objection. well we've thought this for years and it hasn't done a damn thing except for people who are fresh out of rehab, or divorce and need a way out. GOD DAMNIT.
current mood: HOLY
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, December 12th, 2005
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2:24 pm
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ok so i was thinking of a couple things yesterday, things i could possible write papers on. one inparticular i think is completely do-able with research. i was thinking about ed gein (spelling) because i was peeling away fat and meat from fried chicken for an art project with the bones, i was thinking, i enjoy doing things like this, its really fucked up and creepy but i like to get down to the core of things and fix problems and be specific, this is probably why i love science. now if my parents weren't addicted to drugs when i was younger (and yes i am blamming them) i would of went to a better school, because my father would of been a lawyer, and my mother a botonist, but instead they became a warehouse worker and a bartender and a sexy resteraunt. i was wondering if things would of been differnt i would of been a great surgeon, because i was really smart when i was little, and i enjoyed reading my dad's college books, i knew about cilia when i was like seven years old, i didn't understand half of the words i was reading but i enjoyed looking at the pictures and trying to take notes. i was thinking that i could write about how a serial killer, someone who craves immense power, if they would of been great surgeons, now follow me here. let's take DR> JOE SHMO M.D. he went to boarding school when he was younger, and his parents supported him, he attended, lets say a utalitarian church and he understood the importance of life and all the things that came with it, and why he was studying so hard to help humans want to succeed and live longer, and why health was important and in his hands to deal with. now ed gein, he had the same mind (a mind that is mathematical, enjoys solving problems, searching for how things work, and a craving for some sort of leadership or we can use the more demonic term when associated with killers power hungry) he liked to go and make shit about of human bodies fromt he graves, his mother mislead him into believing all these fucked thoughts of god and humanity and good and evil. he was constructed by his creator to believe these things. ...i'll finish later.
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(comment on this)
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2:15 pm
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guess who is sitting next to me in the computer lab at school. FUCKIN WET SUIT MALL RAT MAN. he is wearing sun glasses inside, NIGGA ALWAYS THINKS ITS THE BEACH. i had to write this good day.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 2nd, 2005
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2:46 pm
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ok so here's the low down, so far no cancer, i gotta go for an MRI, which is superly duperly cool and shit. because it doesn't involved getting fingered extensively. i wonder what these doctor's wives do, like do they "play doctor" and shit. thats hot. im sure they do.
on another note, i dropped physics, i missed to much of it, and i missed an exam because of that bullshit above, so i said fuuuck it...and i dropped it, so im taking it over the summer. which should be awesome because well...its with this one professor that is easy, and nice. i will be done school next year. i cant wait, i'll feel accomplished and i can get out and start doing adult bullshit, like get my own pad and fuckin smoke weed on my own salary and fuckin draw all day because i wont have homework, i'm just gonna have regular work. awesome awesome
so im twenty one, its cool being carded and shit, i got a little drunk yesterday on accident at twelve in the afternoon...i drank a budweiser and a cup of wine, didn't know that could make me drunk. im beginning to really like my school friends, they are awesome as hell.
almost winter break! oh yaaaah. im writting a story, or a script for john mcmonagle, i explained it to him at wesley's and he liked it. its fuckin creepy, and really doesn't make any sense. i will post it up here when i get it written. i also came up with an idea with buffalo chicken wings, i've got a project. so i've got two projects that i have prepared myself for over break.
i got three cd's with my birthday money man is it nice hearing a whole fuckin albulm instead of just like a couple and shit, i got Church of Misery- MASTER OF BRUTALITY (which is my favorite cd i own right now, it is fucking awesome), i got Adrenalin O.D. -HUMANGUSFUNGASAMONGUS which is cool, jersey natives. i got The Melvins - gluey proch treatments....trying to get a collection goin and shit, it's fuckin good. but yes, i would suggest everyone fuckin toke a huge joint to Church of Misery, or just like blast it loud as fuck in your room and pretend you are in the seventies and rockin the fuck out like a rocker should. its fucking awesome. oh man i can't imagine what they are like live.
I saw that johnny cash movie, pretty cool, i guess, whatever same ol biography, fifty million chicks, cheating, and drugs. blahddy blah blah, shut up. yeah it was cute how he wanted to marry her and shit, but whatever, it isn't THAT interesting to make him some sort of icon and or make an entire movie blockbuster about it. someone needs to make a movie about cool people once in a while, im bored of everything. i want some weird ground breaking shit to come out. yeah he's hot and she's hot, we're all hot hey!! seems like the only way anyone wants to see a movie anymore is if makes you wanna masterbate, or it makes you think that love exists in some sort of cinderella fashion. gay. gay. gay. but johnny cash's songs do fucking rule and how he sung about the "poor and beaten down" he's fucking awesome for that and for that he should be an icon, not because he overcame some drug addiction and loved some whore (she was an awesome musician too). but yeah, i liked how they had a lot of reinacted live scenes that was pretty cool.
oh next year next year is gonna be awesome. im gonna try and get lauren reichert to become the next richard prior, except white and female. it's gonna work. im tellin ya.
and another goal of mine to begin and finish before winter break is to make a zine dedicated to what exactly i hate about the philly scene, and what i love about it. and photocopy old pictures of jake, and write and enitre essay about how fucking retarted squatter kids. i love how he used to actually hate gay people, like he really fucking hated them, and he really didn't like jewish people, and he wasn't even joking. i thought he was for a while, and i would get into fights with him about it, and now he's the one all P.C. and shit, it's funny how much all the lyrics that they listen to, which they probably dont even know what the fuck they are saying, are all about being true or yourself and fucking what the MAN has to say. i know real squatter's jake, thats zara's parents, they go into a community, take an abondoned building buy it for a hundred dollars and fix that shit up. that is the real definition of a squatter, not fucking living with some hopeless retarted old alcoholic bitch and a bunch of crackhead friends and getting a fuckin stray dog that you probably can't feed and it was better on its own. man i fucking hate squatters more than ever. they took my friend, who i guess really wasn't my friend, and they lured my exboyfriend into becoming complete retardo alcoholic loser fucks who do nothing but beg and scavange for what they need. they want all this free shit all the time, they want to live for free, and live in a community, they want change from some random person, but what the fuck do they give the rest of the world for free? besides spreading nasty disease and fucking taking and starving hte wondering dogs of the world. they constantly bitch and complain about progression, yet they won't think twice about plugging in their guitar, and or hoping on the back of a freight train that is ONLY THERE BECAUSE IT IS TRANSPORTING GOODS TO OTHER PARTS OF THE UNITED STATES FOR THE STRUCTURED ECONOMY AND IT ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF THE CAPITALIST DRIVE FOR COMPETITION. they are nothing but sorry excuses for passion and wasted wasted lives. zara's parents bought a whole fucking abondoned town in lobo texas, with a bunch of their other friends, go ahead GOOGLE that shit, LOBO TEXAS. the reason they started that is because they want a town where they can do whatever the fuck they want when they want. and they are all college graduates, and working folk, some of them don't work, but they don't fucking drink every god damn night and spend time rubbing dirt all over themselves. fuck it. i want to kill that mother fucker one for being so fake, and two for calling me a prissy bitch, prissy bitch, he used to call me a dyke, and now because half the chicks he probably hangs out with are dykes because they believe in "free love" and "no boundries on anything, even sex" blah blah blah, a bunch of hippie rhetoric bullshit. it's all hipocritical to the EXTREME, and it's funny how there is a whole band of these people all across the united states. well i'd like to say it, Punk was always dead, and it always will be. it's like the hippie idea of not giving a fuck somehow found it's way towards a bratty little kid that you just want to hit and then they decided it was really super cool to never fuckin shower, which is just confusing. that bitch that he is living with needs to take care of her kids, she's forty now, and just because she's a complete alcoholic, and makes herself feel better by fuckin making these younger dudes and chicks live with her that have the same problem, because all of her older friends either died, moved away, or got help. i think she needs to do the same. but misery loves company. and im glad that he's not my friend anymore because of how fake he is, just kills me that he could say ANYTHING to me, when he's the fakest mother fucker around. im glad i got away from deane because that was just a lost fucking cause, i knew thats what he wanted, and i wasn't about to join in. everyone can suck it. it's funny i always thought jesse was way too angry about all of it.
current mood: right
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 17th, 2005
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3:52 pm - BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER BEEEEEEEEEEER
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yeah so i turn twenty one soon. and BOY does it feel good. because i can begin my life of degredation and complete sinnery DOWN THE STREET. i dont have to take the train anywhere, i can make my life worse around the corner. yes. it will be triumphant, and just in time for the holidays. you won't see me again until im doing PSA's on your shitty public television channel, and or im halfway sobered up and attempting to warn your children doing motivational speaking. i can finnally start to decay, my large beautiful breasts are done forming, and my great body and model like features will soon wither away on account of my five hundredth thousandth budweiser. and for further notice, i thank you mom and dad for your guidance, and teaching me exactly how to be an adult. apparently to be an adult, you must marry someone you do not love, but will learn to, or divorce later on in life. you must consistently batter your offsprings psyche with rhetoric about how being female is completely useless unless of course you have large titties and a nice little ass. being old when you are female is completely disturbing, and we should be sent off in a boat to the middle of the ocean to completely wither away our disturbing features. thanks mom, for letting me listen to all of this, and then when he leaves tell me how much of an evil man he is, how much you want to murder him, have a FIVE hour conversation with a ten year old girl, and then explain why you can't leave him, because you had us, and you can't make it without him. all of this was preperation for the mumbling rants that drunk go on that are completely uncomprehensible, i will be able to have material for years on end. JUST KIDDING GUYS. i love my mom and dad. i'm going to fuckin break a bar stool over my head on my birthday thats my fuckin goal. and it's the day before thanksgiving i can fuckin DRINK DRINK AND DRINK SOME MOTHER FUCKIN MORE. and NO none of you can ask me to buy beer. NO fuck you fuck you forever. TUESDAY, i better fuckin see five dollars from everyone pronto before i suck out your eyeballs. BEER BEER BEER BEER. this is the greatest holiday season of them all.
current mood: suckin on it.
current music: sleep
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
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9:13 am
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well besides having a terrible dream last night that my number on my license rubbed off and i couldn't get served, and when i finally did she gave me shitty miller lite. i woke up to a room smelling of cat piss, this is the FORTH time this has happened and the only reason it happened was because my mom kept coming in my room to give me things like CINNAMON BUNS WHEN IM FUCKING SLEEPING. maaaaan my family is fucking wacked, can't be normal, can't just leave me the fuck alone. dad better watch her ass, thank god she isn't into real hard drugs anymore, she'd be suckin someone elese's dick because she just cannot get enough attention and since he works fuckin five million hour days and comes home and doesn't do shit, well she has to talk to me. and thats fine and all, but well i can't really blame her for everything, i just...eeeeh. i hate my house. i came home from the hopsital and my room smelt like cat piss, i put my fuckin hand in cat shit the other day. i can't stand living in this fuckin white trash peice of shit house. no one helps me do shit. i clean EVERYTHING. and some reason they want to SHIT IN MY ROOM? why me. oh well if i keep asking that shit, nothing will get done...on other terms, besides missing halloween, or being able to celebrate it because i had a nasty sac growing off of my stupid ovary that exploded awesome!
I GOT TO NOT BE ABLE TO PLAY IN THE FIRST BOUT, which was ok, i was swigin jack behind the thing cuz goldie box had some i was kinda drunk which was awesome and made me want to talk on camera REAL bad to the LIVE fox news, oh yeah, i wanted to just say fuck or pussy every other word, make my parents real proud. seems like anything that girls do collectively it is related to sex and shit. but thats a totally different topic for a different time. roller derby is fuckin awesome, its so much fuckin fun. and it gives this god forsaken tristate shithole something to do on the weekends besides visit a bar, and or their drug dealer, although im sure that makes the derby experience much better if you tailgate and shit, or just take some acid....or speed. do it. well, i had an awesome time, everyone of my friends or jenny's friends, should come to the next bout, and hold up signs, YES, you should.
i can't get rid of my cough and its pissing me off, cuz my body is trying to deal with two shitty things at once....a fuckin internal bleeding bullshit, and fuckin a sickness. well, hopefully nothing bad is goin on down with my right egg sac of bullshit. because i haven't gotten a call from either doctor, and if something is wrong, WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING THEM SO FUCKIN LONG. retardos.
current mood: runaway or kill cats?
current music: the sound of college kids talking (hammers in both temples)
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 10th, 2005
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1:12 am
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being around people here in new jersey constantly, IM SURROUNDED, i have forgotten how your tensions eases as you move further west. yes, it's becoming a shithole like the rest of the the country and the world, but there are certain places inhabitable by humans, in which i would like to be for a while, completely immursed and helpless, yes... and not the helpless i feel around here, like i'm walking down the streets of trenton, philly, or camden, and some deprived shithole has gotta make my day bad because they either feel like forgetting manners, and or plain out robbing me, which thank god hasn't happened yet. i wanna go to the badlands where the cowboys ran all the time. i dont want to have anything to do. "welcome to the east coast thats where we drink the most"...yes yes it probably is. oohhh freedom, no one has a clue. i used to sit on haystacks when i was a kid and just stare straight out, and think for hours and hours, until my dog came up and bothered me and or my sister. here, there isn't anywhere to do that at, im either in someone's backyard, or someone is looking at me strange, i can't be left alone, there is no where to go to be alone here...except this little place down by the river, but then im staring at the dump, and im in someone's backyard, it is a nice spot. im not sad, i just hate feeling this close to people, i dont want to have shitty empty conversations, i like most people...ok well i dont, but i would LIKE to like most people. and sometimes it is nice to hear silence, have you ever thought of what all this noise does to your psyche...shit constant car, airplane, television, music, talking, there is always a sound around here, and it's not those nice locusts i would hear in nebraska they would be loud all at once and then QUIET suddenly, there would always be that jackass locust that would sit there. that was my entertainment, and its more enthralling than when the next social event coming up is, and or when the next trip to the mall would be. i haven't felt this way in a long time, but i need a vacation, and i think this is when it is actually suited to be said, i miss it i miss it so much. here is the bad lands, NOT the grand canyon, its in south dokota. cowboys used to hide out here, no one would find them, because no one would want to even attempt to navigate or travel this land. it doesn't have a map and no street signs.
i can't wait to graduate, thats when the real growing up happens. i get to leave with my degree and say PEACE to the parental units, i have finished my job of showing you what you WANTED me to do, i will survive and be able to eat ma, father, i won't fuck up too much. thanks, NOW I MUST GO. yes, i have a long long road ahead of me, and i haven't put up any blocks, and im very excited to start everything...and live it, live my life, because it sure as hell won't end in this shit hole. no no it wont.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 30th, 2005
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9:54 pm - to serve the community, doing what the pigs don't do!
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oh man pete beilings was AMAZING. i couldn't drink because well i figured that would just fuck with something, but shit, piping hot food (baked ziti) a fuckin horror trail that led into the woods and through a corn feild, some old friends from highschool. man it was amazing. lots and lots of weed. a HUUUUGE cheech and chong joint. a huuuge bon fire. and free everything, you didn't have to pay for the keg or nothing, and you could go ANYWHERE in the house, he completely trusted you, and he left a huge thing of weed on the table for everyone to smoke, now thats what i call fuckin the most awesome party i will ever go to EVER. happy halloween. he also had a huge pumpkin with eyes that lit up and a huge projector that projected images of well scary things. man our town is awesome. no matter how much shit i talk on it. it was all kids from every kind of different culture or whatever you want to call it all partying and having a good time...all while listening to fuckin metallica and misfits. then some reggae and shit. it was so fuckin awesome i would say what punk rock was meant to be, a community of all creeds didn't matter how cool or what crowd you were in (crust, metal, street punk, blahb lahblahblahb sounds like someone fingering a vagina). fuckin all the kids in my town are cool as shit, well im sure some of them suck, cuz i never got to know any of them. but a house in the country well technically two houses, owned by artists, pete is an artist, he has parties for the community, and there was young and old there alike (old as 40 or fifty). all having fun eating food enjoying themselves with weed and beer and fire. none of your stupid motherfuckin scenster bullshit can compare. ROEBLING BLING MOTHER FUCKERS. ROE MOTHER FUCKIN BLING.
current mood: suck on it
current music: counting crows/decedents/broken bones. limewire RULES
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 27th, 2005
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7:24 pm - so i got my wish
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THIS IS FUCKED UP. i dont know if i have extra sensory bullshit or what, or god decided to punish me for not wanting to take an exam...see below, how i wish i could have an illness so i didn't have to take the exam. well around three oclock that night, i fuckin started having this unbearable pain in my stomache. followed by a crooked back, i could barely walk, i was like eeehh. whatev, it's nothin, just you know GAS bubble or somethin. so i went to sleep woke up and the pain was still there intensified, and nausiating. so i figured, CONSTIPATION...gotta be. i mean nothing ever goes wrong with me, im sturdy. then i felt all fainty i just watched tv all day laid in bed thinking it would go away before three oclock so i could go to school and take my exam. it just got worse and i felt like i was going to faint. so i called my mom at four oclock she took me to the hospital. worst hospital in the world. i felt so scared. i dont like being poked and proded by a bunch of degenerates. they thought i was pregnant or i was on drugs. i fainted, and thats when they decided to take me back, not because my tempterature was fuckin 95 degrees and my heart rate was rediculously high. oh no. but i got put back there had to drink some nasty shakes for a cat scan. anthony and my mom sat there with me. thats when it got worse after they hooked the i.v. up to me and shit, like an hour after i fainted, i just started freakin the fuck out like i was possesed or something. it hurt so bad, ive never felt like that before, it felt like my insides were constricting to half their size and then going back and doing it again and again. so they shot me up with some good paint killers and i shut up. i finished the shake. they took a cat scan, they told me i had blown a cyst on my ovary. NICE. and that there was fluid and blood in my stomache that needs to be absorbed. i was kinda psyched about gettin that knarly scar that you get when you have appendicitis. instead i got defective ovaries. COOL. atleast i got fingered like eleven hundred times. and now i have REAL track marks and not fake ones. also i got fucked up for free, thanks insurance! apparently a lot of people get cysts and shit, just not everyone's EXPLODE. that really sucked. now im sitting here with a belly full of blood and gook. feeling like shit. they wanted to keep me an extra day but i said nah nah nah. i NEED to go home. i couldn't stand this old italian bitch next to me. "noorrse nooorrse". but all in all im glad i got put in there, i fuckin hate hospitals and i fuckin hate doctors, thats my bitter side talking. but really, i mean who is gonna hold you up when you need to go to the bathroom, bring you food, they may be getting paid for it, but they are some awesome people you know that some of them are. when you are scared and shit, even though most of them are kooky sons of bitches, they are nice, i guess because they have to be, but they are taking care of people....and that is very very awesome. so two thumbs up to doctors especially the indian ones, because they are the kindest, and most thorough. just seems as if the white male doctors were fuckin cocky as shit, and acted like they knew exactly what was going on instead of testing you, and the white women, well they were just stupid as fuckin shit. couldn't take my blood was poking my god damn muscle. that reaaaaaaaaaaallly sucked. but im all good now. atleast that sucker is gone, i dont have anymore, or so the catscan showed. who really knows. i didnt even know i had this one. i thought i was cyst free. whatev. moral of the entire experience is, the only time you can get free drugs and hand jobs is when you really don't want them!
current mood: BLOODY GUTS
current music: replacements - beer for breakfast
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 24th, 2005
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8:36 pm
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i believe im going to have to drop physics or suffer a serious D. MAN im only studying chapter three, i got two more to go, and im fuckin TIRED already, i've been studying since fuckin TWELVE. i can't wait until anthony comes home. i just realized that i have thanksgiving recess the day of my birthday, 21st BIRTHDAY ohhh yeah. this is gonna rule so much. and i just realized that the last day to drop a class is the twenty seventh...so thats awesome that means i can do that, and no suffer the wrath of fuckin bullshit academic whatever they call it. anyway. im SO tired, im gonna go do some smack or somethin, take a couple caffine pills. gaaaaay. i feel like jessie from saved by the bell. my room smells like rancid milk because my dog knocked my dunccacino (spelling) over. sucks. i dont know how to make it stop smelling either, maybe i should shampoo the carpet.....whatever. maybe it will just go away. maybe it will spread spores throughout my room and give me an illness so i can have an excuse for not taking the exam. i believe this is why people kill themselves during college, but luckily i enjoy just living over the approval some dumb ass degree and the approval of my parents is going to give me.
current mood: fuck it
current music: AAAAAAAAHHH the sound in my head
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
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11:14 pm
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11:13 pm
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11:12 pm
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mandocomando's journal
